Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

The war

I realize now what the problem is within me. Well not THE problem as I have many, but the struggle I am currently facing, The war within me that is causing so much confusion and uncertainty.  I am stuck, desiring that which is untimely and feeling the pull of defeat within me yet continuing to pursue, determined to hold on to that thing which is causing the confusion in the first place.

Galatians 5:16 “walk by the Spirit, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you would. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law”.

This is the very thing taking place within me! I struggle to dismiss my yearnings, and then I struggle to dismiss my happiness. It’s a constant fight between the two things I want…

The one and main thing being  Jesus. I want to be close to Him, to feel His love surrounding me, to have those experiences/sensations of His sweetness that I often hear so much about. I desire this, and long for it. Perhaps it is the very thing I am yearning for which I tend to look for in earthly love instead….

Yet, my approach to the Lord is very black and white, I read about His love, I know about His love, His death for us, His love for us to do that, before we even cared anything about Him or know who He is. Yet knowing all this I have one view of the Lord only. This lack of balance causes much distress within me, because though I know the Love of the Lord for His desire to save us, have mercy on us and continue to care for us, I myself have a rather opposite relationship with my loving Father.

I am constantly brought down by my actions of disappointing Him, causing His heart to break over my ill decisions. I read the bible  in fear each day, dreading those verses that point out exactly what I am not, or exactly what I am and the fate that is awaiting those “like me”. For if (when) I sin, the Love of God is  not within me, and I myself am a liar saying I know God. 1 John 2:4

It is selfish really. And in fact a form of pride I guess, as I feel that MY sin is so vast it is bigger than anything God is capable of doing something about, and that MY actions are so great that EVEN the Lord Jesus wasn’t able to account for them.

but even knowing all this, the folly of my thoughts and feelings the hopelessness I feel reading scripture is daunting. I am a bible reader. I read it regularly. I love reading it, I am always in awe at the Lords writing, how he meticulously has each word in there with a vast number of  deeper meanings for each reader and time and situation. How he is able to connect every last detail perfectly. I love the bible! It is a great joy but it is also my biggest personal enemy. As it is what I use as a weapon against myself, to bring myself down, destroy any hope or goodness of God in my life and remind myself of how I constantly do not measure up to His ways and usually after reading a chapter or two I am fully able to become “unsaved” through the very message of salvation!

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am un-spiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

This pretty much sums it up I guess. My very best friend suggested I study the Love of God…that I should focus on this topic in my bible time. I would love to! But on the other hand I feel it is deceptive to myself as I know the other side and I feel I am trying to trick myself into believing all it takes to be saved is a confession of sin and belief that Jesus is Lord…….Uhg why I love to torment myself so much I just don’t understand.




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Writers Dismissive….

Have been struggling a bit this past two weeks, cant seem to press through right now. Holding on to past Words, scriptures that remind me I am not alone and trying to reconcile my will with His Will, my desires with His Desires and of course my sins with His Word.

It has not been easy. Many tears and many more convictions. What to do when you meet the seemingly (it’s still early!)  perfect person at the most imperfect time in either of your lives?

Of course most of me says Seize it!  and to be honest most advice I have been given is pretty much the same – from both christian and non-christian circles! Which of course leads to confusion…..

The decisions we make affect us eternally and what happens when the choice is just plain bad!?

I made a few this week, hard ones, that I now question – but it’s too late! You know when you make choices like that – which do not just effect you but also other people…And not only another person is currently affected by this choice but salvation and “God’s integrity” is now on the line as well….

The thing I am learning most about God through this current “storm” is His love for us, his beloved children! Just like my earthly daddy I ran to my Heavenly Daddy last night, in tears and repentance for a possibly incorrect decision (still yet to be determined) and asked Him, to please clean up the mess I may have made, to give me His wisdom and words for this situation. To be able to walk through this in a Godly manner worthy of the calling I have as a child of His Kingdom.

And you know what, He always comes through! The peace and love I received from Him as I laid before His throne quieted my soul. And knowing that no matter what I did, or how bad of a choice I may have made that God is still in control and He will work with me to rectify the mistakes and give me peace and confidence in the choices I made.

Thankfully there is a difference between making poor choices and out right sinning, Though I refer to my choices this week as possible sin – it is not because of a transgression of Gods Holy Word directly – it is in the possibility of leading to a needlessly savage heartbreak that I as of yet am not going to handle as I could have had I waited on His timing.

There is something to be said of Gods timing…..It is always perfect, Bree’s timing has proved to be nothing less than full of anxiety, worry and wondering.

Hard lessons learned – again but growth is in progress! These situations are needed to humble us, create broken and contrite hearts within us and make us mold-able and pliable in His Loving Hands!


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New Year, New You….or rather New ME!

This seems to be a theme Im feeling these days. Im not usually one to talk about or even focus too much on the idea of new years. I have never really made resolutions or anything like that. But I feel the spirit moving strong this year.

Though its true I began to feel it a few months before the new yr started I have a sudden urge to resolute! haha reflect on the ideals of the Lord and the things I need to focus on.

I have many things needing to be changed in me, to start its my heart – it needs mending and repair….deeply. But also many other areas need to be worked on as well. My fruit bearing, pride, faith, obedience, trust, truth, security, love……love!

God has been gracious and sweet to me in providing me some foundational scriptures for my life this year. I am looking forward to what He is wanting to do in me!

One passage very dear to my heart is Ezekiel 36:36 “I the Lord have rebuilt the ruined places, and replanted that which was desolate. I the Lord have spoken it and I will do it.”

This has kept me holding on through this year of revisiting severe heartache and depression. Coming to terms with buried regrets, shame and hopelessness  ( not in God but in regards to the situation that I can do nothing to change, it is all in the past)

All these things I had kept hidden inside, thinking I was ok, moving on and healed but in reality it was merely covered and even then just barely as it was still effecting my daily life, personality and interactions with others. Time does NOT heal all wounds – Only Jesus Christ can do that – time merely passes over them, and piles things on top, but the source and root is never really removed.

I cant help but think my very heart and soul is much like what Isaiah describes in 1:6. “From the sole of your foot even to the head there is no soundness or health in the body, but wounds and bruises and fresh and bleeding stripes; they have not been pressed out and closed up or bound up or softened with oil.”

But God is pouring in the oil and the wine! (Luke 10:34) He is bring healing.

in addition to becoming whole I intend to see salvation in grand numbers this year! Beginning personally with my family and those I hold dear around me, there are many that God has used in keeping me safe and well since moving to Japan. God has seen their generosity, sincerity, love and kindness to His beloved child and will not overlook their hearts. I believe His desire is salvation for them and I will continue to stand in the gap for each one, declaring the truth of the Lord and believing in His mighty mercy!

What and how do you feel the Holy spirit moving for you this year? Please share! It is a testimony to our ownership in Him and also will be a great and amazing thing to share in when we look back next year at those things accomplished by the Lord Himself!

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Righteousness Cont’d

Other things needed for growing Good fruit, besides soft soil…

Sun! – SON!!! This goes without saying, nothing will grow without the light and warmth of the Son shining down on us, changing us from the inside and teaching us His ways! Bask in the Son this day, and everyday and you will notice your fruit ripening.

We also need Rain, God causes the rain to fall. In Jeremiah 4:3 this same idea of plowing is repeated This is what the LORD says to the people of Judah and to Jerusalem:    “Break up your un-plowed ground and do not sow among thorns.”   Judah and Jerusalem are commanded to plow!

Jerusalem in Hebrew is Shalom – meaning Peace, Jesus Himself said “my peace I leave with you” (John 14:27) meaning the Holy Spirit whom he promised to send in His place when He returned to the Father.

This Peace – Shalom denotes completeness and wholeness. Jeru is derived from Yoreh  yoreh which means early rain, but it is the same root word Moreh in Hebrew  moreh meaning both early rain and teacher!  The Holy Spirit we know is the teacher (John 14:26 and 1John 2:27) but He is often associated with rain and water! This is just amazing to me  – is anyone else seeing this amazing connection between the ideas about the Holy Spirit as rain and water and the promise of Jesus of Him as our Teacher!?!?!?!!!  GOD IS AMAZING!!

This seems to be saying in short: “Rain Teacher of Peace”.

We Cant try to bear any fruit with out the Holy Spirit, or having Peace. In order to walk in right standing with God and uprightness we need the Moreh – the early rain and the teacher! “Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God”. (Hebrews 6:7)

Early Rain comes after the Harvest to prepare soil for sowing. After salvation, the rain of the Holy Spirit is poured down on us to prepare our hearts for sowing good fruits directed By God! “The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.” (1 Corinthians 3:8-9)

Hosea 10:12 Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love,  and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.

So God will rain His righteousness on us – feed the soil and produce the fruit that is Glorifies and Praises HIM! “Filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God”. (Phil. 1:11)


So God does everything needing to be done, We can do nothing! (John 15:5) The only thing expected and required of us is to pursue peace, Praise Him, and rely absolutely dependent on Jesus, the Holy Spirit and His Rain!

Its great news! Bearing Fruit is the vines responsibility – all we need to do is hang on the vine as branches and wait for Him to send the required things through us to grow this fruit for Him, Our Beloved father who eagerly awaits Fruit and More Fruit! (John 15:1)

I am currently studying the fruit of the spirit as directed by my pastor for the strengthening of  both my walk with Jesus and in Gods prompting to the deep and painful healing in my heart. I do not feel I am done with this topic of either the early rain as I find I am being lead to the Torah – the Hebrew Law. I am unsure of the connection at this time but with more prayer and further study I feel a connection will be made as God so prompts and reveals His lessons.

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