Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

The war

on January 13, 2011

I realize now what the problem is within me. Well not THE problem as I have many, but the struggle I am currently facing, The war within me that is causing so much confusion and uncertainty.  I am stuck, desiring that which is untimely and feeling the pull of defeat within me yet continuing to pursue, determined to hold on to that thing which is causing the confusion in the first place.

Galatians 5:16 “walk by the Spirit, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you would. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law”.

This is the very thing taking place within me! I struggle to dismiss my yearnings, and then I struggle to dismiss my happiness. It’s a constant fight between the two things I want…

The one and main thing being  Jesus. I want to be close to Him, to feel His love surrounding me, to have those experiences/sensations of His sweetness that I often hear so much about. I desire this, and long for it. Perhaps it is the very thing I am yearning for which I tend to look for in earthly love instead….

Yet, my approach to the Lord is very black and white, I read about His love, I know about His love, His death for us, His love for us to do that, before we even cared anything about Him or know who He is. Yet knowing all this I have one view of the Lord only. This lack of balance causes much distress within me, because though I know the Love of the Lord for His desire to save us, have mercy on us and continue to care for us, I myself have a rather opposite relationship with my loving Father.

I am constantly brought down by my actions of disappointing Him, causing His heart to break over my ill decisions. I read the bible  in fear each day, dreading those verses that point out exactly what I am not, or exactly what I am and the fate that is awaiting those “like me”. For if (when) I sin, the Love of God is  not within me, and I myself am a liar saying I know God. 1 John 2:4

It is selfish really. And in fact a form of pride I guess, as I feel that MY sin is so vast it is bigger than anything God is capable of doing something about, and that MY actions are so great that EVEN the Lord Jesus wasn’t able to account for them.

but even knowing all this, the folly of my thoughts and feelings the hopelessness I feel reading scripture is daunting. I am a bible reader. I read it regularly. I love reading it, I am always in awe at the Lords writing, how he meticulously has each word in there with a vast number of  deeper meanings for each reader and time and situation. How he is able to connect every last detail perfectly. I love the bible! It is a great joy but it is also my biggest personal enemy. As it is what I use as a weapon against myself, to bring myself down, destroy any hope or goodness of God in my life and remind myself of how I constantly do not measure up to His ways and usually after reading a chapter or two I am fully able to become “unsaved” through the very message of salvation!

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am un-spiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

This pretty much sums it up I guess. My very best friend suggested I study the Love of God…that I should focus on this topic in my bible time. I would love to! But on the other hand I feel it is deceptive to myself as I know the other side and I feel I am trying to trick myself into believing all it takes to be saved is a confession of sin and belief that Jesus is Lord…….Uhg why I love to torment myself so much I just don’t understand.





One response to “The war

  1. Brown Sugar says:

    Hey girl. Thanks for the shout out in your message. Your very best friend, huh? Yeah! ; ) Anyway, I understand you when you describe the battle that is within you. It is as you said; a battle with your flesh and the Spirit that lives in you. My point last night was simply that if you believe and trust in the areas of the Bible that terrify you, as they do, you should equally believe the parts about His love. To deny or ignore that part would be to call Him a liar. Of course, you should not dismiss the convicting parts of the Bible, we need that, that is why it is there. What you need, as you said, is a balance. You are very off balance now, so my suggestion was to take some time and spend it reading the parts about the Bible that talk about His unfailing Love for you. Me reading only the “lovely” parts and not reading the hard to swallow Scriptures is the same as you reading the hard to swallow Scriptures and not reading the “lovely” parts. You will be as equally as unbalanced as you are now if you keep reading in this way. So, I’m suggesting that you go to the other spectrum for a bit and try to balance it out. You probably can’t fully grasp His Love for you if you are just going to follow with Scriptures that you know are going to convict you more and make you forget about what you just learned about His Love. You won’t forget His wrath in the meantime; it’s too engraved in you now! LOL! And that’s ok. We are to fear Him, but not to the point that you forget His Love for you, which is the point and the reason He came to this earth and died for your sins. Why would He do that if He only wanted us to fear Him? He could have done that without humbling Himself to the point of death on a cross. Jesus IS Love!
    Also, Jesus uses the Word to convict us, but be careful not to let the enemy come in and whisper in your ear and try to twist His truth to condemn you. Perhaps the enemy is trying to distract you so that you can’t feel His Love. So you can’t love others. As I said last night, if you don’t know His Love for you, you won’t be able to understand how to truly love in Him and share that with others, which is what we are supposed to do. Love one another! If you are too down on yourself for how you are not a good enough person and how you are such a sinner and how your salvation might be taken away from you all day, of course you won’t be able to, with your whole heart, work for His kingdom in Love. Perhaps I am wrong, so please continue to pray and see what He says to you. Maybe we are all to live in as much fear as you do and revere Him as much as you do. If fact I’m sure we are. However, I can’t imagine living that way without also understanding His Love for me all the while. You must have both.
    Well, this is going to turn out to be longer than your original blog! I love you, girl, and I will continue to pray that He opens the eyes of your heart to enable you to see how much He loves you. He shows me all the time how He loves you. ; ) And I’m here to tell you that He loves you a lot! You are beautiful to Him and He is proud of you. He sees how you try for Him and He delights in it. Keep listening to Him and let Him guide you in this journey that you are on. I am excited for you! I am here for you whenever you need to talk and, of course, whenever you need to get some chicken wings! LOL! I always have to end on a joke and kill the mood, don’t I? Anyway…I love you…but, He LOVES you more!

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