Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

Simon or Peter?

I have a feeling this will be all over the place

There is a transition happening inside of me, I can feel it but its uncomfortable. I havent been able to even put into words what it feels like or what is happening. I dont particularly like this but at the same time I am anticipating something to come…good or bad is yet to be seen.I am feeling very uncertain these days, my emotions are a wreck and I have no idea what is going on in my mind! Frustration is a good word for today I guess.

Reading always helps me find bits and pieces of my self im hiding from myself let alone everyone else. I am thoroughly dissatisfied with my relationship with God. As I think most people should be, if we are ever satisfied we have stopped seeking and yearning for more. But even that is not what I refer to here, Yes I desire more of God in my life, and I talk to Him regularly, often getting better at waiting to listen for Him in return. But even this I have come to learn tonight is done in the flesh.

I am still trying to “earn” my grace and favour that He gives to each freely. How can it be possible? Havent I grown past this? Logically yes, in my mind i Know there is no possible way i could ever be good enough to earn my place with The Lord. But then why am i still struggling, fighting my way through this and feeling as if i come up short everyday? Its been months yet re-reading my previous posts I see I havent changed that much, my salvation is still in question regularly. Be it on an emotional level it’s still there, nagging at me.

I often relate to Peter so much, Reading the Gospels about him – man I am just like him!!! I really feel for him, and can see my own actions and personality in his so much.

This came across clearly tonight in my devotional reading of the book of John. I enjoy reading devotionals as it brings attention to things i can not see on my own, but most of the time the direction God leads me to read ends up differently from where the commentator ends up! God is amazing like that.

That being said I learned something about Peter tonight that I believe I have found to be my core issue and the basis for all my insecurity amongst others and with Jesus as well.

It revolves around John chapter 20-21 In chapter 20 see Jesus reveals himself to the disciples twice and before that to Mary at the tomb.  Mary didnt recognize him, then behind closed doors his own boys didnt recognize Him until he showed the wounds. Its amazing really! The blindness that we all have on our eyes until Jesus himself reveals to us in His good time. He revealed much to them but yet even with all that revelation they still couldnt see at this time in this circumstance. Even those closest to the Lord still are blinded to many things Jesus will reveal in His own time.

in chapter 21 I love Peter, verse 3  just cracks me up, but how much this is me! So here they are, saw the resurrected Lord 2times and they are still in this room trying to figure out what to do next. Thats my problem right now, what to do next? born again, filled with the Holy Spirit…and have no idea what Jesus wants me to do!

Peter is brilliant! “Im going Fishing” and the others said “were going with you” Leader Peter here gets the bright idea to occupy his unknowing with fishing. This could play out a million different ways I guess. was he trying to what Jesus called him to (fisher of men)? Maybe he was like hmm i dono what to do but let me go and see if i can try and do what Jesus wanted me to do…..without any direction from Him! But on the other hand I saw this as a time for Peter to die to himself. To come to meet who he really was, and see himself for what he really was and in that time he was getting to the place where God could tell him his calling in life and he would be ready to take it.

Before Jesus came along Simon was a fisherman,  then for three years he was Simon who Jesus was working on changing into Peter. But now Jesus isnt with him everyday guiding and leading him…hes at a loss what to do, He knows Jesus is alive, he knows Jesus has some purpose for him…but he has no idea who he really is or what to do. and its at this time he just goes back to being a fisherman. He is not trying to be Jesus right hand man, hes not trying to prove himself in the garden by being the only one to raise a sword to Jesus enemies. Hes not trying to change the Lords plan ” oh Lord that will never be” … ect ect.. but instead he realizes he has messed up, he has been close to Jesus but  it didnt get him anywhere, after all the miracles and the resurrection he has no idea what to do. everything he tried to do with and for the Lord those three years was in the flesh, he had times of spiritual enlightenment, and intimacy with the Him. He was chosen as one of three for all the special things. and Jesus had changed his name to Rock. but yet he was still trying to earn that title…trying to be Peter when he was still Simon. He wasnt waiting for God to transform him, he did it because of his love for Jesus but still…right motives in wrong action is just as unfruitful.

then theres the comparison between himself and John. John closer to Jesus in some ways, and we can tell Peter had a thing with him. jealousy maybe, competition? i donno what it was but we can see it in 21:21 what about this man? Jesus had given Peter his calling, his purpose and he wants to see if its “as good, maybe better” than Johns…is he thinking he can swap it if Johns sounds better? I donno what hes thinking but I know what I am thinking. I am not satisfied with my place in the Body of Christ, I donno what I am looking for but I am not content to be me. I am comparing to others, jealous of the gifts I lack but can be easily seen in others. I am questioning Gods love about the way he made me versus other people. Clearly you loved them more look at all they can do and how the look ect…. im the last thought on your mind the left overs thrown together to form some miss-matched version of a girl with turbulent emotions and contrasting personality traits that make it difficult to socialize with others consistently.  But in this I take Jesus command to Peter, ”

What is that to you? You follow me!” Bree you can not choose the piece of bread i hand to you.

Its like the parables he teaches in Mathew 25 about the talents, to some he gave 5 to some 2 and others just 1. Each in proportion to his own ability (God given ability of course). Therefore God given talents.  We cant question Gods given gifts to us, or complain right? People around me have 5 I have just one….. maybe? Hopefully! Romans 9-20 Will what is formed say to Him that formed it why have you made me this way?

So I am now in the place where I know what God wants to reveal to me, the pride that is in me causing me to feel entitled to the talent I wish God had given me instead, the pride that makes me jealous of others a me to believe that jealousy is justified when comparing to others since afterall God made both of us and clearly he was preoccupied when it came to forming me..

I have to meet myself, just as Peter did. He didnt know what else to do so he just went back to being himself, not trying to be anything more than the man God has originally called to Him, that was enough for Jesus 3 yrs ago and I think Peter maybe felt he could get back with God if he was just doing what he was created to do instead of trying to be what God created him to be – apart from Jesus. Funnily he couldnt catch any fish till Jesus told him where to cast His net….we are unfruitful on our own, but when he finally just be ourselves the way God made us and just accept ourselves for how we are then God can fill us with Him and use us, and we are in a place to hear what God wants us to do and do it His way instead of trying our best to do Gods will the best we figure it would work. Peter was a professional fisherman, but he couldnt catch fish this time with out Jesus…..without me you can do nothing! (john 15) so when I empty myself and allow me to be me and embrace the person jesus made me…then i can get rid of the junk blocking his voice and hear him direct me how to do what I am created to do in fruitfulness, and even then I can become the person jesus created me to be because it will be His transforming me.

We see Peter is no longer called Simon after this gospel…He has emptied himself, allowed Jesus to direct Him and embraced his role as a fisherman, then he can become Peter – Rock we know him as after that point. and the Great Fisher of Men (2000 in just one speech!)

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