Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

Complications of the Heart

on November 7, 2011

Do I ever have a ton to say! haha

I’ll try to keep this short?? and readable though. I have been feeling Gods hand of preparation on me these days. I feel He is preparing me for a partner in a way I have never been ready before. Not that I think it will be anytime soon necessarily. Since this has started (in this way about 2 weeks ago or so) I have come to learn so much about myself and about others around me.

Whether through books or blogs or just by meeting, I have had the opportunity to have an understanding about both myself and women in general in a deeper more intimate way.

I recently read a book that has continued to bless me even after having put it down. It is surprising in the fact that it is not typically a style of writing or genre I would normally pick up or continue to read after the 1st couple of chapters. But this book has really changed my look at myself and those women around me. And also Gods heart. He continues to whisper to me through the writing.

One thing I really feel the need to express right now is that I am not a computer. I am a women, complicated in all her glory as the image of God Himself.  I have always known myself to be a bit “overly complicated” a bit more emotional (in thought) and tend to think rather deeply and expansive – even more than most women I know. I have always known this about myself. People do not get me.

I have come to embrace this about me. I had always felt something that until now was never put into words. I have always felt I am just “too much” and at the same time “not enough”. I am a handful. I am thinker, talker and communicator. I love to work things out – I’m real “mental” that way:)

But at the same time I have always felt like a failure, not enough woman, not quiet enough, not sweet enough, not merciful enough, not pretty enough, not clean enough, not strong enough on and on it goes.

So on the one hand of feeling like “too much” (even my pastor has lovingly said that Only God could handle me) and “not enough” I have had this agony of trying to be whatever I think I should be, not even knowing what exactly that is!

So my point  – I am not a computer. I am a deeply emotional, in all areas. Everything I do,think and live is done passionately. Nothing is ever “basic” with me. Feelings, thoughts and emotions can never be classified or put into a category. When I talk about a friend – it is much deeper than someone I hang out with. It goes even farther than that to the very core of my heart where God resides in His Friendship with me. When I talk about love it doesn’t  mean “in love” and has nothing to do with a partner or mate. Though I am hoping to share that with someone once again, now is not the time. God has made that perfectly clear and as He turns the rivers, so He turns my heart.(Proverbs 21:1) He has set me free! Praise His Holy Name! (Literally – Now, take a second to do so!) When I talk about heartbreak I am so much deeper than “we didn’t work out” I go to the very essence of the soul, right to the spirit level and feel the pain of eternal separation from the Holy Father whose loving hands have crafted and molded us, each one. I have had my share of break ups, they suck. But I’m hardly phased anymore. Disappointed? Yes, but I know His hand is on my life and when He ordains something there is no holding back, there is no residue from the fall out. In this case there is only pain of the child breaking the heart of the Father.

I have come to learn a few things the last little while. One being: men do not understand the heart of women. Nor do they try. They simply try to mold, change, and classify. Another thing I have learned. I need a man whose heart beats with Gods. A man who understands the heart of God will surely understand mine as well – seeing as it is fashioned after His Image, the women showing one facet of Christ while men show another. I no longer desire a Godly man……But…… A Man Of God. One from Him. Sent from His very throne to me, one who is after Gods own heart  – which would be me in this situation. The one Who finds his pearl of great price, (the price being for as long as we both shall live…) the one who sells everything to buy the field in which I am hidden. By the way that field needs tilling, and plowing, fertilizing and attention. Loving Care of a vine dressers hands, heart and determination – to grow me up.

Thank you Lord for making this possible, in Jesus Glorious Name!


2 responses to “Complications of the Heart

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hey girly! Wow! Very well put…some of your best writting thus far I think. Obviously I’ve been thinking about this topic as well recently and I, too, feel like there is a change going on inside of me. I have no idea what or where it is leading to, but it feels pretty hopeful and as if it is leading to a better understanding of who I am as a women in His eyes. So here’s to the journey we are currently on, each in our own race to be the woman He has created us to be! Ready, set…GROW!

    • Bree says:

      Cute! So True. I am just excited to see the changes He brings in you. I wont be able to see them in me as much but it will be very easily detected in you! You can let me know and Ill keep you posted! But as I was thinking and writing this I just felt very powerful that this is a lot about you actually. In the way you relate to others and your work. Growing with Him will allow you to stop trying to be some unknown definition of what you think you need to be while not setting the description or parameters of what you are striving for! Allow God to set the boundaries and then together you can work with Him to reach them! Then you know He will expand your territory once again and the boundaries will continue to move as you grow and need more room – to grow!

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