Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

Cant even think of a title

on February 16, 2012

Feeling inclined to post something. Its been over a month since my last post – that means its been a month since my mom died. I’m unsure still about how I’m feeling and how/if I am even dealing with it.

It’s so confusing. I think it’s especially hard because of the nature of our relationship. Most people don’t have a clue about it. Hey even I don’t!

Her and I couldn’t live together, that’s true. But since moving to Japan our relationship became everything it should be. I needed her in a way I never did living closer to home.  She is the only person I can talk to about everything – and she wants to hear about it!

I know I have so many loved ones who tell me I can of course talk to them about anything and I do talk to them about almost everything, but there is not that one person now who I can be 100% open and myself with – no judgement or even half the time not trying to give advice. She just listened and cared about what was going on with me. I could spend hours telling her about the Love of Jesus and what I’m learning from the Bible, how Gods been speaking to me and even what His hope is for her life as well. I can do that with my Christian friends – but only the Christians. In the next breath I could tell her about my BF and struggles, hopes dreams, fears, mistakes and mess ups. I could tell her how I felt through that and not worry about her knowing I messed up and needing to tell me its sin. She just always listened and I know she just wanted me to finally find love and happiness with someone – whoever and however that would be.

She always wanted to hear about my students and how they were doing, what they were working on how they’re reading levels were or writing or whatever cute things they had done since last time we chatted. She cared about those details. Not just the basic how was work – she seriously wanted to hear the specifics and the details. I’m thankful for my friends coz they listen and think its cute, we have a mutual love in that department I’m grateful.

But as I come to terms with the fact that my weekly calls home will now be the obligatory “someone needs to answer the phone to her when she calls” type of thing. It’s all surface and casual. Hows work, hows Japan, anything new? (as if they even knew what was old…) I have been so empty. Lonely.

Wanting so desperately to talk to her about this pain, my recent heartbreak – (perfect timing!)  and my strange dreams about a certain someone who has not made an appearance in those dreams in quite some time!

What to do? I want to write more, I want to write about everything I would talk to her about. That would take too long and Id lose the few readers I already have! 🙂 haha

I’m happy to write on here again, even if it’s just to be sure I still have something to say…..

I know Christ will once again shine his love in my heart, and bring hope and healing to me yet again. I know He loves to do that! I’m thankful and hopeful for that to take place. Until, I want to allow myself to cry and mourn. For some reason or another I have only allowed myself that time once – the night I got the call and a few tears that have slipped through accidentally since. I don’t know why! I can’t help it when the tears fall but I am very good at controlling how much. They are stopped almost immediately.

I am trying to free myself to cry and mourn, it’s almost a battle. even now as I write this tears drop from pain but its restricted, withheld and confined to the minimum. Its weird whats going on inside! I know I should let it out, cry and just be, but instead I shake it off and tell myself its time for bed. Gotta sleep! Work tomorrow and I have to be energetic and happy for the kids, I don’t have time to cry – that’s time-consuming, and emotionally draining ! If I sleep now I don’t have time to think, or feel……..

Goodnight

 

 

 

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3 responses to “Cant even think of a title

  1. Yvonne says:

    I just finished reading your post and had to stop everything to write to you. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could find the right words to say to you that would help you at this time, all I can think of to say though is how sincerely sorry I am for you loss and that you’re in my prayers. As I read your words I got choked up because I imagined what I would feel if I lost my mom and I realized that I would feel a lot of the same emotions you described in your post. I know exactly what you mean about not having someone now that is truly and genuinely interested in hearing all the details of your life and at the same time supportive and loving. If it’s any consolation to you, I would love to hear those details of your life in your writing and I think so would your other followers because it’s a part of who you are and the person that we’ve come to enjoy learning about. I’m sending you a warm hug and praying that Christ will guide you during this healing time. You’re in my prayers!

  2. Bree says:

    Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind response! I was shocked to recieve so much comfort from someone I dont really know! God continues to use you to speak to me and thats nothing short of a blessing each and every time. It has still been hard for me to get on to write, I dont know why! I would have thought Id write more. But God is awesome no matter and He has been using this time to speak to my heart, so granted I get more momentum I think I should be able to write better posts in the future! (Once my mind is all sorted anyhow!)
    Thanks again for the support!

    • Yvonne says:

      God does work in mysterious and wonderful ways! I’m truly honored to hear that my words have been able to help you and I believe that when the time is right for you the words will come for you to continue to write. Take your time and let God heal you. I pray that you’re able to find comfort in the meantime in knowing His love is all around you, and that you have a friend in me. Take care of yourself!

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