Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

No Expectations

A few weeks ago, as God began to reveal through His Word, things about my life that were not quite in alignment with His Word. I started this new journey on my daily life and routine. I began to study about the words I speak, the thoughts I think and the attitudes I carry. Also to take a clearer inventory of my feelings and the way I react to how I feel.

God will never stop amazing me I know, but seriously WOW! He is more and more incredible the more I get to know Him! (Job 9:10)

I shared in my last post about Proverbs 31:12 and how that significantly changed my life. It is still having continuous effects on me as a whole person. Gods Word is just that way – it’s the power to change us and brings life, and hope to our current living.

The next thing God began to put His finger on was my attitude and thoughts as well as my words. (as I briefly shared in a previous post speak-now-or-forever). I was challenged about expectation and hope. Actually, I didn’t have any! I was not expecting truly for God to intervene in my life in order to bring into manifestation that which I had been praying for and I had lost pretty much all hope. After all I am in Japan and there are no Christians here and my church is all women and ect ect… All the reasons to possibly lose hope – if you don’t have Jesus! But I do, and that means I have the miracle-working God on my side. There is always reason to trust, believe and hope! God is faithful and trustworthy and He loves to bring into manifestation those things which we have sought Him about.

Living without expectation is an insult to God. Its assuming He either can’t or wont do what we have asked of Him and rightly we should not think that we will receive anything. (James 1:7, Mark 11:24)

This idea of expectation came up a few times over the past few years of my life and I was kinda dense to only just sort it out now… but better late than never!

It was about 3 years ago at church camp, the two woman who came really spoke a number of prophetic things into my life and confirmed some things… told me things to come (one of which was this very blog – which if you knew me at that time it was the most ridiculous thing she could have said to me; yet here it is!) During that camp I didn’t go with any expectation of what I wanted God to do those three days. I thought I was being more “holy” because I wasn’t directing God or telling Him what I wanted. However, she told me that by not expecting God to move I was going to get exactly what I expected – nothing.  This annoyed me at the time and so I ignored it 🙂 but it turned about to be nearly accurate.

Shortly after that, I heard a Joyce Meyer teaching entitled “Expect a Move of God in You Life?” and she pretty much said the same thing! So I have changed that thought that now at least when we have an “event” at the church that  I began to pray about what I can do for God and others and also what I would like to expect from making my self available to the opportunity.

Now a few years later God is on me again about this! I felt that He wants me expectant all the time and not just for “events” I was challenged to wake up everyday expecting God to move in my life, answer prayers, speak to me, lead me and use me. (Proverbs 23:18, 24:14)

So living my daily routine of  life with expectation has made my days much more exciting! I wake up everyday and get ready to face the world saying out loud “today is the day that I’m going to meet my husband!” (Romans 8:19 – couldn’t be more accurate!!) [For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.] One of these days I’m bound to be right and everyday I am expecting it to be that day! (Ps. 62:5)

When I first started doing this I thought at the end of the day I’d be sad/depressed if my expectation wasn’t fulfilled, but actually the opposite has happened. I am now more open to see the hand of God in my life and have countless things to thank Him for at the end of each day! A thankful heart is a happy heart (Col 3:15) and for the first time in ….EVER! I am able to be single and HAPPY!

I don’t particularly enjoy being single. I sometimes feel really lonely and useless when I pray because I am unable to meet the requirements of  Matthew 18:20 “when two or three are gathered in my name” I’m only one LORD!!!! But through Faith I know that He is fully aware of my position and is just so pleased that I want to commune with Him and through Faith choose to believe that even though I may be one on my own – together with Him I become 4! Now that is reason to rejoice!!!

So I challenge you also.. What are you expecting? Is your hope in the Lord and His desire and ability to answer prayers? (Phil 1:20) I pray that it is and that everyday you can wake up and say today is the day God will________” and End each day with thanksgiving and appreciation for what God accomplished for you and through you that day.

Today is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! (Psalm 118:24)


Responsibility…….Responding to ability

I have been studying a lot about surrender, and humility. Trading my plans for Gods and trying to learn to walk by the Spirit and live my whole life for God.

Its been a struggle and adventure. There are things I learned I needed to give up and blessings I never expected to receive. God has never ceased to amaze me with His giving and loving and closeness to every situation.

I have been seeking Him for years for a husband. I so badly want to be in love and experience all that side of humanity. Yet, He still has yet to come through in this particular area. It is frustrating to be believing God for something only He can do. I say that truly as I live in Japan and my church is about 97% woman, there are a few men all of which are married and or about 10-15 years older than myself or they are about 10-15 years younger than myself. I’m 29 so you can see my aggravation with the numbers!

But God lead me not only to Japan but to my church, and He planted me here so it’s really all up to Him at this point! I can’t make the people I meet Christian or make nice christian men come to me…and in this country they are rare to meet at all.  With very few Christians, and even fewer christian networks its pretty much All up to God to deliver!

As I was once again praying about this and reminding God that I’m 29 and not getting much younger, and all that stuff we woman say/think/feel. I was lead to Proverbs 31. Yikes. I read that and KNOW why I’m not married 🙂 Seriously does that women ever sleep?! ?! Moving on.

Verse 12 really struck me. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Wow! Read it again! She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I read it a million times but for some reason I always read it this way: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her married life.

That’s not what it says though. No, I’m not married but I also have not been living my life in order to do Good to my husband all the days that I have been alive. In fact I have done many things that would be considered harm to him – whoever he is. Once God showed me that, it changed my perspective! I have been living so short-sighted. I have not walked in faith or hope at all but I have walked disappointed and resentful to God for not answering my prayers when I asked Him to, and not doing things the way I wanted and how I wanted them done when I wanted them done.

But there is some responsibility He wants me to take also. I have not lived the way He wants me to and I have been lusting after a husband for so long its adultery in His eyes. It is selfish and ME centered instead of God centered. I forget that’s not the only purpose God has for my life. Yes it’s a big one! I’m a women and there is some poor handsome man out there running around without a rib! BUT Gods plans are so much more extraordinary than just that! He wants all that …Plus, Abundant, More than, Overflowing ( Psalm 23:5, Malachi 3:10, John 10:10) and He doesn’t want me to settle for just one aspect of the wonderful plan He has for me as a woman but also as a son of God. (Gal 3:26, 4:7) [In this case I use son to mean no longer a child but an adult heir, ready to walk in the responsibilities as a mature child of God]

When we focus on something outside of God He is reluctant to give it to us no matter how much we pray and hope. He will never give us anything that will take our devotion away from Him. I lived so long without giving Him my whole heart, mind and strength. Because I was always focused on my heart needing human love and touch, and my strength coming from a man and my mind was focusing on what I did not have but wanted… more than I even wanted God to be in my life. Though I would never have said that – it is exactly what my prayers were making perfectly clear.

God is so wonderful and gracious, forgiving and loving. He has opened my eyes to see that Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matt 6:33)

Living all my days to do good to my still unknown husband has made me think differently before I step and more cautious to be fully at peace with where I believe God is leading me. I take more responsibility now and it has made me shift my focus off myself, and my dreams and turn them to Jesus who will guide me every step of the way and keep me planted firmly. That’s the only way I can live fully surrendered to Him and wanting His plans in my life while learning to forfeit my own. Because I have learned to face the truth – I am actually not that smart (and my plans never seem to work out!)

Proverbs 31:12 is only one of many things that God has been showing me this month about my choices, and paths I have taken in life and my responsibility to be led by Him. That is my God-given ability to respond to His leading. He has equipped each of us that through the Holy Spirit. We must respond to that ability within us and take each step prayerfully.

In the next post I will share what God has shown me about expectation and hope. It has changed so much about my daily life, routine and attitude., it’s almost not even me anymore!

I Praise You Lord for You are the Only Wise King!


And the Story goes……

I feel like its been a crazy couple weeks! God has been pouring in thoughts and ideas from every where around me and I have no idea where to start!!

I have a bout 6 started/unfinished postings I want to work on and I’m just a big jumble of thoughts and ideas!

This one tonight is rather close to my heart. I can’t talk as much about it without going into some details about my experiences and my life. bear with me.

God has been working with me on many issues in my life since moving to Japan. He brought me out of my comfort zone, and away from everything and everyone I knew in order to take hold of my life and set me on the path He wants me to go. As I have discovered this very humbling truth and witness God’s hand on my life I can do nothing but be in awe at what He’s done and who I have become through Him.

My perspective on life has been rather one-dimensional for pretty much my entire life. Its weird when I think about it but I have been “planning” to be a wife pretty much since I was about 3-4 years old. That may sound crazy but its the absolute truth. I lived for my cabbage patch dolls growing up, I would “be pregnant” with them for a week or even two at times! id “give birth” to them, “breast feed” and live my life as a “mommy” while my imaginary husband was off at work. Sometimes he would come home and Id fix dinner for him and tell him all about the day I had with our baby.

I vividly remember being in kindergarten and having dreams about marrying the love of my kinder-life! But my dreams weren’t fairy tales and castles and all that, they were grocery shopping and gardening together!

Fast forward to about 16 years Old. I met the love of my life, we fell hard and were madly in love for 8 years, we planned futures, weddings, babies, houses, careers, moves and money management.  All the big stuff was worked out…. except God of course. He had yet to be invited into this mix and as wonderful as it seemed, it was ordinary. It was the picket fence and the bay windows but it had no spirit.  It would have been a nice life, full of love and I would have been pretty content. But it was lacking the passion of the God giving Spirit, the drive to further His kingdom and my will wholly surrendered to Him.

So he squashed it. done. nothing left to hold on to. barely hope for future possibility.

5 years ago I left that life behind, moved far away and started over. With excruciating heartbreak, disappointment and confusion I can’t even begin to explain. It made no sense on its own. None.  Nothing went wrong. There was no fight or infidelity. There was no disagreement or compromising dreams. It just ended. I know now it was God. He had enough of the ordinary and He wanted extraordinary for me. How I hated Him for months after falling in love with Him! It’s a bittersweet feeling if you never had it. I was 24 when I got born again and on fire for God. Bringing to Him my heartbreak, pain and hurts…only to find that the one who was able to heal me was the very cause!  More healing needed to come!

Now I am so grateful, forever thankful for the Wisdom He has. I don’t know exactly what my life would have been but I know it would have been lonely without my Savior. Without Jesus there. It would have been average and pointless.  But God stirred things up that’s for sure!

However, I find that I’m still trying to live this new life with many of the same hopes and plans that I left behind. My dream to be married has never ceased. My desire to create a life inside of me has only gotten stronger as I have gotten older. Yet I am no closer to these dreams then I was 5 years ago when I left them shattered and broken in Canada. In fact I came to the most Non-Christian country – there are very few men of God to choose from here. I am. I have made wrong choices in great guys since then, each of them amazing but no closer to Gods plan then the first one. You’d think I’d learn!!

Its been a hard couple of years emotionally. Trying to understand God plans for my life and work them out as best I can..while still trying to convince Him of my own! But this past month I have gotten a different direction.. or rather perspective from God.  I don’t know If I will ever get married or have a baby but I do feel that God has revealed some things to me that will provide more hope and possibility if that is His plan.

The next post or two will be about this quest I have been on to surrender my life including my hopes, dreams AND PLANS for His in my life. I have learned many things these past couple weeks and its been wholly (HOLY) educational.

I have learned that sometimes we are part of the reason for our situations and the places we find ourselves. God gets the credit be we take the action.  He is in control but He has never controlled. The things about my life that I wish were different are greatly due to the fact that I chose my own ways and paths. God is now showing me a different view/angle and I hope that I am smart enough this time to take the correct steps!

Thanks for reading!  Please stop by again next week so you can get the point of why I was sharing all that! 🙂



Nice to meet You, I like what your wearing!

Seems like my “writers block” has finally come to an end! I was actually planning on writing about something completely unrelated to this topic today… but I have heard a comment twice this past week and it has struck me hard both times.

While having lunch one day a friend says to another friend “Did you know so-and-so was a Christian? ….I didn’t know that! Isn’t that cool!” and at the time it really hit my heart! Can it be that one’s life is so the same as non-Christians that others may not actually know something so vital about you?! It made me think about myself! I also thought wow, I wonder if she told that to him… was he so insulted? I mean what could be a bigger insult to a Christian than “I didn’t know you were a Christian.” Terrifying.

I didn’t think too much about it until today when another friend replied in much the same manner about their acquaintance. Now at first glance it may seem a bit.. likely that an acquaintance maybe wouldn’t be able to see the Christ in you….and if this was a short little meeting and or a passing hello I would possibly agree. However when meal eating is involved it should seem impossible that someone who loves Jesus wholeheartedly would somehow manage to elude another of whether or not their devotion was in fact wholehearted.

Immediately my first thought was “what about me?!” Oh no! Could it be that I am one of these people? I don’t know these other people whom Christians apparently can’t tell if they are Christians but I know me! and I know this is a serious question I need to ask myself. What do people see when they see me? Who do they meet? Do they meet Jesus? I always remember the very famous saying “you may be the only Jesus people ever meet” (like wise “you may be the only Bible people ever read”) But it is very true!

Now I feel inclined to mention that I do not think talking about being a Christian is the answer to this. I know and have been in the past that kind of christian! You know the one with the cross necklace and the “I’m a Christian” banner…but no fruit in my life, my attitude was all wrong, I was not living my life abiding in the Word, and though I managed to get onto the narrow path in those areas I still had one huge disobedience – I was deeply involved with the sweetest most amazingly unequally yoked man of my dreams! To put it straight I was living outside of Gods Will and trying to make it all fit together anyhow.

Telling people you’re a christian is not the solution, this only causes hypocrisy if you are not in fact living as you should… and outsiders know this, They wont be fooled by your words!

No, Jesus says they (everyone else!) will know you by your fruit. If you are a disciple of Christ, then it will be plain as day. They will SEE the Christ in you (actions you do or do not do), they will HEAR the Christ in you (things you do and do not speak about) and they will EXPERIENCE the Christ in you (you bring Him into every situation.)We are commanded to put on Christ. (Romans 13:14) What are you wearing today?

Still worrying about this, I  did some checking… you know just to be sure! I asked others about their 1st thoughts about me before we talked… many said I was a very friendly person and the most welcoming or helpful. Nothing that really encouraged me too much. (many don’t need Jesus to be kind or helpful.) Another said she knew I was a Christian immediately (I didn’t ask about my Christian-ness at all, I simply asked what their first thought of me was whether we talked or not) but she said she overheard me in my classroom talking to another student who was misbehaving and she said she knew right away I was different because she heard me say to the three-year old “aren’t you a man of integrity? How do we treat others in our class?” and she said that could only be a standard of behaviour expected from a Christian who truly believed in God. That was coming from a self professing non-Christian! So at least for the moment I was satisfied with the answer. But honestly, Jesus gives us a strong warning-that we will be known by our fruit (John 13:35, Mathew 7:16) and we show Him we love Him if we obey His Word. (John 14:15, 14:23, 15:10 1John 2:4)

I hope this will stir something in your heart today also, and cause you to step back and ask…. Who do people meet when they meet me?

I pray the fruit of Christ will be evident in our lives and we will make Jesus known to those around us just by simply being there! Through Jesus who gives us all the power and strength to live abiding in Him. (John 15:4) From Him who does all the workings of God….making us what we ought to be! (Phil 2:13) In Jesus name.


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