Book of Rememberance

Malachi 3:16

And the Story goes……

on March 10, 2012

I feel like its been a crazy couple weeks! God has been pouring in thoughts and ideas from every where around me and I have no idea where to start!!

I have a bout 6 started/unfinished postings I want to work on and I’m just a big jumble of thoughts and ideas!

This one tonight is rather close to my heart. I can’t talk as much about it without going into some details about my experiences and my life. bear with me.

God has been working with me on many issues in my life since moving to Japan. He brought me out of my comfort zone, and away from everything and everyone I knew in order to take hold of my life and set me on the path He wants me to go. As I have discovered this very humbling truth and witness God’s hand on my life I can do nothing but be in awe at what He’s done and who I have become through Him.

My perspective on life has been rather one-dimensional for pretty much my entire life. Its weird when I think about it but I have been “planning” to be a wife pretty much since I was about 3-4 years old. That may sound crazy but its the absolute truth. I lived for my cabbage patch dolls growing up, I would “be pregnant” with them for a week or even two at times! id “give birth” to them, “breast feed” and live my life as a “mommy” while my imaginary husband was off at work. Sometimes he would come home and Id fix dinner for him and tell him all about the day I had with our baby.

I vividly remember being in kindergarten and having dreams about marrying the love of my kinder-life! But my dreams weren’t fairy tales and castles and all that, they were grocery shopping and gardening together!

Fast forward to about 16 years Old. I met the love of my life, we fell hard and were madly in love for 8 years, we planned futures, weddings, babies, houses, careers, moves and money management.  All the big stuff was worked out…. except God of course. He had yet to be invited into this mix and as wonderful as it seemed, it was ordinary. It was the picket fence and the bay windows but it had no spirit.  It would have been a nice life, full of love and I would have been pretty content. But it was lacking the passion of the God giving Spirit, the drive to further His kingdom and my will wholly surrendered to Him.

So he squashed it. done. nothing left to hold on to. barely hope for future possibility.

5 years ago I left that life behind, moved far away and started over. With excruciating heartbreak, disappointment and confusion I can’t even begin to explain. It made no sense on its own. None.  Nothing went wrong. There was no fight or infidelity. There was no disagreement or compromising dreams. It just ended. I know now it was God. He had enough of the ordinary and He wanted extraordinary for me. How I hated Him for months after falling in love with Him! It’s a bittersweet feeling if you never had it. I was 24 when I got born again and on fire for God. Bringing to Him my heartbreak, pain and hurts…only to find that the one who was able to heal me was the very cause!  More healing needed to come!

Now I am so grateful, forever thankful for the Wisdom He has. I don’t know exactly what my life would have been but I know it would have been lonely without my Savior. Without Jesus there. It would have been average and pointless.  But God stirred things up that’s for sure!

However, I find that I’m still trying to live this new life with many of the same hopes and plans that I left behind. My dream to be married has never ceased. My desire to create a life inside of me has only gotten stronger as I have gotten older. Yet I am no closer to these dreams then I was 5 years ago when I left them shattered and broken in Canada. In fact I came to the most Non-Christian country – there are very few men of God to choose from here. Yet..here I am. I have made wrong choices in great guys since then, each of them amazing but no closer to Gods plan then the first one. You’d think I’d learn!!

Its been a hard couple of years emotionally. Trying to understand God plans for my life and work them out as best I can..while still trying to convince Him of my own! But this past month I have gotten a different direction.. or rather perspective from God.  I don’t know If I will ever get married or have a baby but I do feel that God has revealed some things to me that will provide more hope and possibility if that is His plan.

The next post or two will be about this quest I have been on to surrender my life including my hopes, dreams AND PLANS for His in my life. I have learned many things these past couple weeks and its been wholly (HOLY) educational.

I have learned that sometimes we are part of the reason for our situations and the places we find ourselves. God gets the credit be we take the action.  He is in control but He has never controlled. The things about my life that I wish were different are greatly due to the fact that I chose my own ways and paths. God is now showing me a different view/angle and I hope that I am smart enough this time to take the correct steps!

Thanks for reading!  Please stop by again next week so you can get the point of why I was sharing all that! 🙂

Blessings!!

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7 responses to “And the Story goes……

  1. Anonymous says:

    Great bree i know God has a better plan for you. and when God answer your prayer he will give you a perfect match for you, of course i know you dont want a short marriage. for now pray and wait upon the Lord. and this time for you to serve all out to God. cause you dont have any big responsibility to carry… jyane

    • Bree says:

      Thanks, Bryan, I am thankful for your encouragement! Knowing is the easy part, Trusting and living it out… now that’s where the work begins! I appreciate your friendship though, you have been feeding into my life spiritually just by seeing the amazing work you have done with the youth. I need some of your fire to rub off on me!

  2. Wow, an amazing testimony! Sounds a lot like what my friend over in The Big house is going through, being on fire for God I mean. http://bighouseinthelittlewoodsblog.blogspot.com/

    I want to be a wife and mother some day too, but God is showing me I need patience. Until then…

  3. By the way, are you on Twitter?

  4. Renadae says:

    That was a gorgeous testimony. The LORD has definitely been working through that with me. I to often tend to idolize marriage, instead of having Christ as my first and foremost love.

    Thx for sharing, and I will (Lord willing) pray for you often.

    Mademoiselle Renadae

  5. Bree says:

    Im so glad it can help somebody!! That is one of my biggest issues and I have been learning so much these days! God is so awesome like that. My prayers are with you also! (this very minute in fact 🙂 )

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